Hello my avid readers. I will admit to struggling as of late. Not with ideas or even writing, but another struggle that effects it all – space.
Last Friday we had our entire apartment sprayed down for bugs. Which was a good thing, but it has spawned a tidal wave of changes within my own house.
I’ve lost what little personal space I had in the apartment. It has been consumed for the greater good of the family, but alas it doesn’t stop the fact that the tidal wave of changes going on bothers me. It isn’t so much that the change in itself bothers me, but rather the lack of my own space.
Sometimes I just feel suffocated. Mind you I have an anxiety disorder that prevents me from doing a lot of things. Even on my good days I need small breaks from my own family as the noise levels in the house raises that anxiety to panic attack levels. I used to have a small space that I could retreat into for a break, but now with all these changes I have lost that.
Does this mean I don’t want my family around? No, it just means that I have an invisible disorder like so many that effects the way I interact with people. Most of my family doesn’t actually understand this disorder at all.
Letting the maintenance men into my home to spray the house or fix things is a major struggle for me. It means I’m letting someone I don’t know into my personal space. Yes, I realize it is a fact of life. I cope with it. Albeit, not always so graciously, but I get through it. The panic attacks that ensue up to the point they enter to my house, and after they leave is no easy thing to deal with.
Now you add in the fact I’ve lost my own private haven to catch breathers and I’m developing a nervous twitch. I try to take my breathers outside, which is hard for me. We live in a very busy apartment complex, so often times not even outside is private or peaceful, only adding to it further.
Where does that leave me? It leaves me more lost than I was previously. I suffer from a lack of focus, and find my sleeping schedule changing to where I’m awake more at night after the family, and apartment complex has gone to sleep.
This isn’t something I consciously do, nor does it mean I lack the want to be around my family. It isn’t even something that can be controlled without medications. It just is a fact of my life. I don’t like it any more than anyone else, and I’ve grown tired of hearing you need to calm down before you give yourself a heart attack, or chill, or any of the various other things. If you have never dealt with anxiety to the point of where it attacks frequently, nor the debilitating fear it can bring with it, then you honestly have no grounds to speak up.
I realize this post came out more like a rant than I meant it to. It was supposed to be more of an awareness thing, but I’ll take what I have right now. Anxiety Disorder does exist. It is a silent torment that can take over many aspects of our lives, and it is an unseen abuser.
Until next time, my readers. I shall bring back my positive posts.